Funny Emails

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

2010-01-08T06:36:00.001-08:00

Anyone can roast beef.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

2009-12-30T06:25:00.003-08:00

A: A Stick

2 Fly's joke

2009-12-30T06:25:00.001-08:00

There are two fly's buzzing around your kitchen. How can you tell which one is the cowboy?

A: The one on the range.

Interesting facts about the human body

2009-11-05T05:04:00.001-08:00

THE Human Body!

Very informative!

It takes your food seven seconds
to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs

Cooter and Gomer

2009-11-05T05:02:00.001-08:00

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley.
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over..'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

Taser email: Guy who tasers himself

2009-10-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

ONLY A MAN WOULD
ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading
this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great
gift for the wife.. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for
Their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I
saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest..
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie.. What I came across was
a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY
TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought
the device and
brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie
what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was
home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all
that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my
recliner, my
cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I
sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll
do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a
one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. .
HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura
ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then
body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I
vaguely recall
waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug'
yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing
until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT
LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8
feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for
sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return!

P.s... My wife, who
can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly
threatens me with it!

If you think
education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

Economy is so bad

2009-07-01T09:46:00.001-07:00

The economy is so bad.......

1. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

3. Hot wheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM cars.

4. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 - ouncer.

5. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.

6. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

7. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

8. Motel Six won't leave the light on.

9. The Mafia is laying off judges.

10. When the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds" you
have to call and ask if they meant you or them.

Husband Store

2009-07-01T09:43:00.001-07:00

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she go es to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.